The Secret Knowledge Of Grown-ups By David Wisniewski

The Secret Knowledge Of Grown-ups By David Wisniewski - Transcript

The Secret Knowledge of
Grown-ups
David Wisniewski
Confidential
ToP Secret
Classified
Technical Clearance
Top secret
Grown-up rule #31:
Eat your vegetables.
official reason:
They’re good for you.
The truth:
You don’t eat your vegetables
because they are good for you.
You eat vegetables to...
to keep them under control!
Millions of years ago, vegetables ruled the
earth. What were they looking for? People!
Yes, these were meat-eating vegetables. To
prevent vegetables from ever regaining
power, grown-ups eat them.
Besides, which would you rather do:
eat vegetable or be eaten by vegetables?
Top secret
Grown-up rule #42:
Comb your hair.
official reason:
It keeps it neat.
The truth:
You don’t comb your hair to
keep it neat. You comb your
hair...
to stop it from going back into those little
holes in your head!!
Hair doesn’t grow out. Hair grows in! Why
else would we pull it around with a comb?
After all, you only pull things when they want
to go the other way.
Because most girls comb their hair a lot,
they don’t have to worry much about
Reverse Hair Growth (RHG). Boys do,
not only because they don’t comb much,
but also because many a flattop or crew
cut can grow back into a guy’s head in
one night!
Top secret
Grown-up rule #62:
Don’t jump on your bed.
official reason:
You’ll break it or you might get hurt.
The truth:
Yes, it’s possible to break your bed if you
jump on it. And it’s possible you might get hurt
if you fall off. But you’ll definitely get hurt...
If you wake up the mattress!
Mattresses aren’t just big lifeless rectangles
crammed with stuffing. They are active
wooly creatures raised on farms in Scotland.
After growing into adulthood, mattresses start
a long period of hibernation. They are
rounded up and sold in stores where they end
up in your bedroom.
There they snooze peacefully year after year.
Unless you jump on them.
The Secret Knowledge of
Grown-ups
was written by David Wisniewski. You can
learn more about him by visiting his website at
http://www.carr.lib.md.us/authco/wisn.htm
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